寻找回真正的我。。
Sitting in front of the laptop, under the dark clear sky. My mind just happens to run through many many memories..'Human should look forward, and not backward,' this is what i tend to hear these days. At times, feelings tend to get very mixed up, seems like when you do cooking and you accidentally knocked off all the seasonings - can't really differentiate if this is sweet, sour, bitter or salty.
So how i suddenly don't like the feeling of growing up, but on the other hand, growing up has many advantages too. (Anyway, i don't like the feeling at this instance.)
There are many distractions, distortion, opportunities lying around in the vast society. There are many to be done and to get done with as i aged and move on. There are many choices for me to choose and for me to move on. So as i move on, i would have many things to decide on and move on? Sometimes, i feel that i'm out of place. At other instances, i feel odd and lost.
Sometimes, moving on seems to be easier to spell out than to carry out. Many instances, when bumping and getting close to a 'once a good friend' is quite a pain. You know that you have known this person for so long that there were so many many memories (a 13 hours of effort, many outings and movies, bidding of 1st year sem 1 modules together, attending many lectures and tutorials together, crying hard for the problems we faced and etc). But at this moment, at this hour, and at this instance, we now become strangers. Strangers who would not even bother to take notice of the presence of each other. That's the turn-table of life.
When i was in the rock bottom and about to lost faith, belief in things, someone actually told me there:" As you grow old, the number of close friends around you get lesser and lesser." I was dumbfounded and struck. Trying my best to move on, and trying my best to forget what have took place. But then, forget seems to be another word that is easier to spell than execute. So what i could do? Moving on with the pain and hope that one day, this pain would be forgotten. But it seems that it got numbed instead of being forgotten. I was numb at that point of time. Just tried my best to stuff myself with work, and more work. No question asked.
I was out for dinner just now and someone asked me how this friend has been lately. My reply? "Er.. i don't know." He was shocked, how come 2 close buddies actually not know how the other party was lately. No answer to his shockness. But deep down my heart, i also wanted to know the answer too - how can such things happen? How the heck did it happen? "You guys should have make used of the vacation to meet up. 3 months of vacation wor."
Vacation. What have i done for this vacation, beside trying my best to setup a tuition consultancy union, pushing the ideas of all round success and taking up the challenge in banking sector? One thing i know i have done was to make myself to believe in studying hard, for the desired job i want to be in future has to has a good degree. Any other thing else? A quick smile would be the answer then.
Seeming like growing up is a weird process. I tend to understand what i think i understood yet it seems like there are still more than to meet the eye.
Where is the guy who actually stay true and loyal?
Nothing seems to be working my way..
Lost and just lost...
Where can i go from here and now? Who? How?
I guess it is time for Mr Clueless to stop and find a way out.
posted by HeNG @ 10:32 PM
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